People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
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Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
Chemical wingman
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?