People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.