People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
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Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
こいつ天才
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included