People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
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Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.