People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
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If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]