@LoveNLunchmeat: People who say losing weight is "just math" clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
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@DirtMcTurd: [Watching "House Hunters"] Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell. Tim: Our budget is $4 million
@FuckabillyRex: Tonight I sleep on a bed of fried chicken and biscuits. The colonel drizzles me with gravy. Is this heaven or hell? It's both.
@neiltyson: Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
@SlipCarefully: Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass 'em around at the meeting. nnDidn't get any stars. nGot RT'd to HR.