People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.