I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
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Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Autocorrect is my menesis
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter