People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
superman landing like a plane on his belly
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.