People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
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Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Never forget.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
My plans: 2020:
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.