People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
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The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
eggs benadryl
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”