@tracyofthenorth: People who say "seriously, another one?" after your 3rd slice of pizza are not people you need in your life.
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@flashember: [Opening questions in a murder trial] DOLPHIN PROSECUTOR: You are a killer whale, is that correct? KILLER WHALE: Yes. DP: I REST MY CASE
@TheTweetOfGod: Nancy Grace just called pot smokers "fat and lazy". Right. Unlike the buff marathon runners home 4 o'clock on a Monday watching your show.
@amydillon: "Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep." *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
@BrainFumbles: Cop: Know why I pulled u over? Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?! Cop: Settle down sir Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions] Cop: ...