Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
You Might Also Like
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?