@markleggett: People who say that they don't have time for my bullshit need to learn how to manage their time better. Wake up an hour earlier.
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@shawnspree: You know she loves you when you wakeup in a pool of ice in the motel room bathtub with only one kidney removed.
@maisonwithapen: *stands near cute dude in store* ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
@WorkingMom86: My son plays this game where he's a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
@Neauxpe: If you post a selfie that says "because some of you asked for a new one" I want to see screenshots of where they said that.