People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
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Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
Care for your back
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,