People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
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God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
The worst thing just happened. I won鈥檛 recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn鈥檛 free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man鈥檚 chicken.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they鈥檙e finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Even though it means he鈥檚 a serial killer, it鈥檚 nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
If I鈥檓 reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
馃幍LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Dasani water taste like it鈥檚 been sitting in a water gun
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Y鈥檃ll realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.