People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
There’s never enough good news
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.