People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
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“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.