@lloydrang: People who say they are "comfortable in their own skin," scare me because I wonder how they know what it's like to wear someone else's skin
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@_Mo_lee_: This guy next to me thinks I'm flirting, but really I'm just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
@gerryhallcomedy: If anyone on the street asks for directions - give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
@bridger_w: The general rule is that you shouldn't ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
@Nahdude83: [10 mins into couples therapy] Therapist: I cannot help you two. Me: Let's go, Betsy! See! She doesn't listen! T: GET YOUR DOG OFF MY COUCH!