People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
You Might Also Like
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private