me
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A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I’ve had relationships like this
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
me after drinking all the wine:
God has abandoned us.
good for her
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.