@tsm560: People who say they'll be late for their own funeral*
*trust me. you'll make it.
@simoncholland: [at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?
Wife: Please go wait in the car
@PascalSloths: Petting my dog with a spatula cause I'm too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer
Why is there a spatula in my room?
@MeganBaca1: Apparently "cheesecake & tacos" wasn't the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
@ImaFlyontheWall: Fact: If you get pulled over, as the cop is walking up to you, place an aluminum foil hat on your head and you disappear from his vision.
@mishakey: Going to meet my daughter's kindergarten teacher tonight. Her name is Miss Cox. Not sure I'm mature enough for this situation.