@tsm560: People who say they'll be late for their own funeral*
*trust me. you'll make it.
@scorpiusryan21: My friend and I have a pact that if we're not married by age 40, we're going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
@truegritrumble: (First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You're supposed to deliver those.
@BoozeWallet: [Mesozoic era]
God: if u can't spell ur name you're going extinct
Jellyfish: seems fair
Pterodactyl: [to Brachiosaurus] this is bullshit
@toastymoe: Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
@SamuelHLowe: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"