@tsm560: People who say they'll be late for their own funeral*
*trust me. you'll make it.
@AsgardianRose: I just overheard a woman tell her son "We don't lick other people, it's gross" and now I'm reevaluating so many choices I've made.
@skickwriter: Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You've been volunteered as a chaperone
@HumorParasite: Sign at funeral home: ALL SALES FINAL
@AnkCoupleTO: [skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn't this romantic?
Me: *sees a 'danger thin ice' sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
@TheDairylandDon: Joker: You're endangering a minor
Batman: He's my partner
Joker: Why's he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.