Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
You Might Also Like
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.