@tsm560: People who say they'll be late for their own funeral*
*trust me. you'll make it.
@SoFarFetchd: What if the weather talks about us?
@Roxtalled: Practicing karate in my driveway to strike fear into potential burglars.
@hobo_hands: Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.
@NicestHippo: We'd love to offer you the job
[My phone buzzes] Congrats on your 250★ tweet!
ME [leaving]: Lol no thanks I won't be needing to work anymore
@1followernodad: Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.