New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
こいつ天才
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.