People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
my one true gender
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?