People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
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A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
You learn something every day
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.