Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
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5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.