When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
You Might Also Like
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left