People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
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sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too