People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
You Might Also Like
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Lmao 🤣
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling