[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?