@PyrBliss: People who still say 'YOLO' only deserve to live once anyway.
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@rolldiggity: Hate when I'm being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he's tied to the back of a tiger.
@jokesuk: Woman: Does Viagra work? Pharmacist: Yes Woman: Can you get it over the counter? Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
@BrettDruck: I posted "I did it!!!" to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
@SamuelHLowe: I've always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, "So, what do we have here?"