My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
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I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive