By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi