People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
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You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
A dad and his duck
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.