Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
He’s cranky this morning