Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Happy Friday
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”