People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
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Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
No chill.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.