People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
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I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
respect
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.