People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
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yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
This is my bus stop.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*