People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
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The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.
You don’t need that negativity in your life.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from