Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
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“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.