People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
me adding lol on a serious message
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.