People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
You Might Also Like
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.