ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
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I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.