People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
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OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.