Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Traveler’s camo
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?