People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
You Might Also Like
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.