@_davidlucas_: People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way... LOL.
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@sarcasm_inc: *waiter lays down my plate* "Can I get u anything else?" U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC- *he rotates my plate* oh ok
@NakedHangover: If it's true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
@VanVeenB: Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they're making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.
@bourgeoisalien: don't usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: "lift with a straight back!" it felt good