People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
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Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨