People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
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pictures of spider-man
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living