Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
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Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.