Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
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If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Me trying to walk in a dream
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.