PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
The first one, obviously
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message