The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*