People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
You Might Also Like
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people