People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
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For the orator and chef in all of us
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
This is me
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
You learn something every day
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
What personal space?
My dog
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?