@ddsmidt: People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog's invisible fence.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Friend: I set a new personal record last week Me: Me too Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
@ArfMeasures: JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need ME: This guy knows what it's all about JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu ME: OK scratch that
@SaraESpivey: After I orgasm, I yell "Aaaaand scene." Then I push him off me, throw him his clothes while holding the door open& say "Ummm. We'll call u."
@pinapl: When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.