People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Important
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
how to have fun when you’re poor
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.